Monday, April 02, 2007

Humble Jello Pie

A girlfriend of mine lent me a Denise Austin "Yoga for Buns" VHS tape last week to try out. "You'll love it," she promised, "it's the best workout ever!"

Pfftt. Puh-leeze, I thought to myself. This is yoga. Yoga is for pansies who can't bring themselves to do cardio but want to claim they "exercise" regularly. But since I'm an open-minded gal, I graciously accepted the loan and agreed to try it out. If nothing else, maybe it would be something I could do on my days off from running to help relax and stretch my legs.

That was before I was Denise Austin-ized.

I first knew I was in trouble when I was asked to hold a position ("just to warm things up") that left my lower body feeling like a bowl of overcooked oatmeal. Things only went downhill from there. Apparently, Denise had a vendetta against my buns and was taking no prisoners. Before long, with every new position, I began whimpering softly to myself, "please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me".

Denise Austin may look cute and friendly, but she's the devil, I tell you. Pure evil incarnated.

By the end of the half hour workout (I'm a marathoner, for crying out loud... I'll be damned if I wimp out and quit a yoga workout!), I was drenched in sweat and my entire body was quivering like a six-foot package of jello. Pick your flavor.

Thus, I hereby offer a heartfelt apology to all the yoga-ers of the world: Forgive me... I had no idea.

Please don't ever sic Denise Austin on me again.


Chad said...

Interesting, perhaps I need to revisit my views of yoga as well, nahhhh (and don't send me any videos!) ;-)

Jim said...

Everyone knows that Yogi is smarter than the average bear. What? Oh, YOGA. Sorry. I've never treid but hear painfullly wonderful things about it.

Ovens2Betsy said...

I never was able to get into yoga. In the three classes I tried I kept getting frustrated trying to juggle breathing with making my body go in places it just didn't want to go. I just don't think I was designed to turn into a pretzel. Give me Pilates any day!

robison52 said...

Thirty years ago I had taken a yoga class with a girlfriend who I was trying to impress...luckily she wanted to drop out before I did! Anyway, yoga does get easier once your muscles learn what's going to happen and get stronger because of it.