Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dropping Like Flies

As much as I expect it to happen, it's always a bit traumatic to lose a toenail. That moment when the clippers nick the skin just under the nail to release a geyser of trapped blood never fails to make me gasp out loud. Or even better, that moment when the nail finally pops loose and I can actually peer underneath it if I bend my neck and contort my head just right.

This is becoming way too regular a ritual for me.

It wouldn't be so bad if it were the smaller nails, the ones that are easy to disguise with a little nail polish. No, I have to lose my big toenails-- the ones that require a gallon of polish to cover up. I'm not sure why I even bother. It almost seems like an amputee sporting a patent leather dress shoe on his stump, as blatantly obvious as it is. I guess I'm just not quite at the point of embracing my toenailess feet for all the world to see and appreciate.

It does make me wonder, though. How much money could Paula Radcliffe score on her lost toenails if she listed them on eBay? Forget winning marathons. Could Deena Kastor become independently wealthy on CraigsList? And then there's Kara Goucher. That girl is what you call hawt. I shudder to think what a dude with a foot fetish would do if he got his hands on a few of her disposed toenails.

Unfortunately, until I start winning major city marathons, my lost toenails are more or less useless. It's too bad, really. They look so pretty all decked out in shades of rosy hues as I pry them off my feet... again.

9 comments:

Mel said...

You are so funny! Yikes, I can't imagine losing those big toenails. You are one tough woman. I wish you lived closer so we could hang out and talk about toenails and stuff.

Anonymous said...

Maybe your socks will last longer before getting that hole in the toe? Just trying to look on the bright side. :-p

Mel -Tall Mom on the Run said...

You have one sick senze of humor lady.. When I was online dating back in the day a guy emailed me who had a foot fetish, he wanted me to send him a photo of my "Big Feet" Uh YUCK!!!

Your Big toe?? Wow and ouch!!

Jen said...

It's always fun to lift up that toenail to the almost falling off stage and gross out your kids. At least there's that. And you can't possibly lose that same toenail in September. My solution is acrylic toenails. They stay on better than my real ones. And they're pretty.

Sarai said...

LOL! You and everyone else here are so funny. Sorry, don't have any input, never lost a toenail. You should try placing it under your pillow. Maybe the toenail fairy will leave you some money.

Christie said...

I thought you were using them to make jewelry. Then you can sell it on etsy.

AKA Alice said...

YIKES...you're losing the big tonail...like this has happened more than once?

I've lost multiple small toenails. I was down to only having 7 toenails at one point last year. I find that if I keep 'em really short, they don't get battered and fall off.

(I'm sorta shuddering at the idea of losing a big tonail...again..YIKES that's gotta hurt!)

Lili said...

Uuuuuummmm... Yuck! =) =)

Nitmos said...

I pick my teeth with Kara's disposed toe nails. True story.