Sunday, September 14, 2008

Bugged Off

It took a little trial and error but after a couple months, I finally found a yoga routine I don't mind doing over and over again. It's only 45 minutes long (which I've found is just the right length of time for twisting oneself into a pretzel) and incorporates a little of everything, from active poses to meditative trances.

There was a time I didn't get yoga at all... or should I say, I didn't get why a person would do yoga. I wasn't a non-believer; I was just a non-understander. What could possibly be beneficial about holding ridiculously uncomfortable positions on purpose? Not to mention all this "breathe through the earth" and "connect with your soul" humbuggery.

Well, that was then. Now I breathe through the earth and connect with my soul on a regular basis and it's a fabulous thing.

My routine the other day was a little different, though. It'd started off well enough. I'd finished my long run for the week a few hours earlier and was feeling pretty loose and relaxed. Figuring a round of yoga would do me some good, I hauled the coffee table to the side of the living room, dimmed the lights, lit a candle, pushed play on the DVD and assumed the starting cross-legged position on the floor.

No sooner did I take my first cleansing breath did I have the company of a very uninvited stranger. A housefly perched itself on my shoulder and lingered long enough for me to feel its creepy little legs tasting my skin and its buggy little eyes staring me down. I shook it off immediately and went back to concentrating on a rushing mountain stream of crystal clear water, rustling leaves of trees as the wind gently blows through them and the sound of little birdies going tweet-tweet, tweet-tweet.

I was rudely pulled out of my heavenly mirage by the fly buzzing around my face again, this time landing on my nose. Not wanting to break my pose, I tried to twitch it off with impressive nasally muscular movements, but it clung there stubbornly and even mocked my efforts by taking a casual stroll across my cheek. I finally gave in and swatted it away with the back of my hand, this time with a little more annoyed fervor in case house flies respond to that kind of thing.

Apparently, this one didn't.

For the next 45 minutes, I was shaking, twitching, wriggling, swatting, fidgeting, squirming, jiggling, writhing and generally convulsing in efforts to keep the fly off me. But when it starting exploring my right nostril in the middle of my Proud Warrior, things turned ugly. Instead of summoning calm thoughts to connect myself to the present, to others and to my true self, thereby freeing my mind to think and my body to act from a state of peace, I was counting the ways I wanted to maim and mutilate this miniature, sadistic creature of evil reincarnated.

I managed to finish the 45-minute routine, thereby denying the fly the pleasure of foolishly believing it could thwart my intentions. As soon as I was done Shavasana-ing, I swatted the fly away one last time and walked smugly to the hall closet to retrieve the vacuum.

I like to think the last thing that went through that fly's mind before being sucked into the abysmal depths of the vacuum bag was that it picked the wrong person to bug today.

16 comments:

queenieweenie said...

I love it!

Anonymous said...

I'm left with the image of you in a "Karate Kid" style pose, with the vacuum wand in the raised hand. Lol!

Jen said...

Too funny! So what is the Yoga DVD? Care to do a little advertising?

tfh said...

Wow, you withstood the ultimate test: fly yoga. But wait. I want to know what yoga routine you're fond enough of to do on the same day as a long run. I'm still trial-and-erroring.

Chesno Slova said...

Are we going to hear about you and Kimmy hijacking the Labour Day race in Wellsville?

Tall Girl Running said...

I'm glad to pass along the yoga tip... shoulda done so in the first place! It's "Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss" with Suzanne Deason. I bought a used copy on e-Bay but it can be purchased both new and used on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Yoga-Conditioning-Weight-Loss-Deluxe/dp/B00004TKIC/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1221493832&sr=8-1

Nitmos said...

" I hauled the coffee table to the side of the living room, dimmed the lights, lit a candle, pushed play on the DVD and assumed the starting cross-legged position on the floor."

Sounds like a date night for Mrs. Nitmos and I at my house. Never occurred to me this could be yoga too.

Laurel said...

HAHAHA!!! This is great. What a way to get the opposite desired effect from yoga. At least you finished! You showed that fly who's boss.

Thanks for the well wishes. It was (is still) a hard year. Our life was going in one direction and we suddenly had a severe detour. Seems like everything changed within 4 months.

But time is working and we are moving ahead. Looking forward to what the new year brings.

theloosemoose said...

Screw Proud Warrior and Child's Pose. There should be a yoga pose called "Insect Annihilator".

And I love your blog, too!

AddictedToEndorphins said...

Question of the day:
Does Yoga help your running?

Ovens2Betsy said...

I hear you about the "connect with your soul" claptrap. Fortunately our yoga instructor knows our class is NOT into that (although she did admonish us for being Chatty Kathys yesterday. And I don't think she appreciated me saying "damn" when she told us we'd be doing the chair pose. But I swear I tried to say it under my karmic breath!)

Lori said...

Ummm, I have to tell you. I don't know you, but I read your blog, now, because I am also 6' tall, am from a small town in Wyoming (currently living in Florida), and have been running for a couple years, myself. Your posts are way too funny!

See Zanne Run said...

ha. love that you sucked the vile beast up with the vacuum.

so much for zen.

The Brown Family said...

Very funny! I feel the same way about flies! Icky! I might just have to try out your yoga routine! I need to do something since having baby #7. It does something to ya! :)

McClellan's said...

Too funny!!! Yoga is awesome, I started doing it last year and it is great and amazing how limber and flexible you can get. Courntey and I did the Celebrate Women 5k Sat. you should check out our blog.....even have video clip of us coming in at the finish line.....rained on us the whole time, not a dry spot on me!

Jen said...

Just thought I'd let you know that I bought the DVD and did it for the first time this morning. I didn't even need the fly to make me twitch and wiggle. I can tell it will be good for my balance. Thanks for the tip!